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hi :)
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Nov. 8th, 2007 @ 05:15 pm
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I'm sure you all thought i was dead.. well haha! i'm not! --but anyway, i'm back... bored and single again.. i'm hating starkville and most of the people in it ,so i figure i'll just chat online.. how is everyone else doing?Current Mood:  bored Current Music: none |
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I look back on all my post about being with jason and i'm so glad he and i have seriously broken up this time. It's over and done for good! i can't believe how long i actually put up with someone who convinced me i was weak and nothing but a child. I maybe a little childish... but hell i'm only 20yrs old.... high school was just 2yrs ago...and the weakness part is crap.. i get depressed a lot but it's b/c i'm actually going through a lot of bull shit... and recently my cousin passed away from cancer... i couldn't believe what a jerk he was when i called him for a little support. I'm done with men for awhile... they're all making me sick. i'm so tired of them all having this attitude that they so more much better simply b/c they have a penis... and i'm tired of being female b/c they're so "emotional"... yeah we are okay but i'm tired of it all getting a negative response, b/c no it's not fun to go through; could a guy just understand for once everything women go through!! ugh!!!Current Mood:  aggravated Current Music: none |
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I think i'm just simply in love with being in love. I was so stuck on how everything was suppose to be i didn't care anymore for how things were. no wonder my relationship flopped.Current Mood:  cold Current Music: may angels lead you in |
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Tonight i made 25% of my sales!! I hardly ever make 15!! I'm so awesome!! ;)Current Mood:  accomplished Current Music: classical on npr |
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Why the hell am i so stressed out?? it's not like i have rent coming up or anything b/c i've already paid up! I guess i'm stressed about a job.. i'm suppose to come back to applebee's but i'm not sure if they're really expecting me back! :( i feel so unwanted lately.. am i just an annoying pain in the ass? do i ask for too much? do i talk too much? do i smell bad? do i look funny? do i ever make any sense to anyone? why do i even care about making sense to anyone? i feel like i'm completely alone in lala land.. i have no ties or connections with anyone... no one really wants to be my friend.. something about me is really pushing everyone away .. and it's not these crazy rants- - b/c i only post these on lj-drama network. i want to be engaged in deep conversation for hours and everyone i'm surrounded by has nothing to talk about beside gossip bullshit that i don't care about-- i don't want to know it -don't wanna hear it.. You'd think-- okay lydia-- you're dating the most critical man in starkville why not talk to him--- well i'm not looking for debate and i'm not looking to fight-- it usually turns into an argument that i can't win b/c i have the worst memory ever.. jason and i word things so differently it's hard to understand each other's point-- he tries very hard to sound professional and politically correct all the time-- i just don't get it-- he's talking to me, what's with that? why can't we talk like we know each other while we're discussing the world? Anyone can understand big issues if it's explained in simple terms. i've always been smarter than my friends growing up-- so when i try to talk to someone -- i always try to think of how to put things in the simplest terms, simple sentence fashion. I got my education in mississippi-- i don't know that many big words and i don't know how to spell very well-- i read extremely slow and i'm always stressed out about school b/c i can't read very well-- it's sad and i wish i had help learning it when i was younger, but my parents were too busy fighting and my sister was too busy hating my guts-- teachers don't really give a fuck b/c they've got 29 other kids to deal with.-- I guess what i'm really trying to get to through all this out pouring of self pitty is that i would really just like to hang out with someone who is on my level-- not a know it all-- not a wanna be know it all- not a stupid ass-- not a gossip freak-- not a complaining bitch-- i want the wouldn't it be crazy if -- blah blah conversations-- wouldn't it be nice if the world was this way-- conversations about everything we could do with our lives..everywhere we want to go, do ,be ,etc..I need someone who's positive around me.. i need someone around me who wants to be something more than a drunk, druggie, or most popular jackass ever! i wanna talk about religion too.. if makes me feel good to talk about god and i know a lot of people are calling it crazy-- but i do believe in god and jesus... and it brings peace and order to my life and my mind. Science can make you feel like anything could be wrong but i'd be nothing if were all science. Anyway.. i think after all this banging on the keyboard i don't feel so stressed anymore and i'm gonna catch some Z's now.
goodnight!!!!Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: classical |
| » calling all anthropology majors!! let's chat! |
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So anyway, here's to another long and boring ass day at school on the crappy computers with the space bar that doesn't work. I feel like an ass. my anthropology professor is expecting so much from me and i don't feel like i'm gonna come through. I hate to disappoint people who really think a lot of me. I just don't have any questions or ideas lately. I use to have something to ask him after every class and now i have nothing to say at all. There are a lot of smart kids in my class too who ask questions that sound completely off the wall to me but the professor gets it and it seems everyone else does too.. I just can't figure out What was it i missed was there a class i was suppose to take before this one? how did i get so lost? Was i just not paying attention? How does this person next to me seem to know more than i do-- aren't we on the same level? Okay so i need more people to talk to-- ANYONE AN ANTHROPOLOGY BUFF?? I'VE GOT QUESTIONS--LET'S TALK-- SOMEONE HOOK ME UP WITH SOMEONE WHO HAD THE KNOW EVERYTHING CLASS!!!
Jan. 17th, 2007 @ 01:19 pm
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| » wow what happened to that guy? |
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I'm at the msu library hanging out until my next class... i just saw a guy i went to high school with, ah-hem for like one semester then he dropped out. -- Now he looks like he's up here doing something with himself and that hot ;) I hope one day people can look at me and say "wow". My years seem to go in cycles lately.. i get everything back to good by august then by december i feel like i've been bombed with no energy left. i have no idea what happens.. i wonder if it's the weather that's holding me back from a permanent change.. or is this all a made up idea in my head that this how it will always be and so why try anymore.. could i have packed that thought so deep in my subconscious that i don't even notice i've been setting myself up for doom all along?? Is it possible i think too much?-- nah.. me, think? huh?
anyhoo-- my first class was pretty good.. and i only say that about classes if i actually get caught up in the lecture that i get questions stuck in my head about it and i won't be happy until i have the answers. I'm really excited about this semester.. i'm ready to look at the world, accept it and accept myself in it. how can we be comfortable with ourselves if we don't know what's normal-- has any other "human" been like me before? I love anthropology :) i wish i had a rum and coke about now though. for some reason i'm starting to feel i bit stressed out.. dunno why, it comes and goes every now and then.
-- You know i thought when you got to college everyone came to school looking like crap and not giving a damn anymore.. but that seems to never be the case on the first day.. do professors really care?? girls definitely care what guys think.. but damn i couldn't do it everyday..so i guess the first day is okay.. anyway i was just looking around at all these people dressed up--- maybe it's what they got for christmas.. maybe i'm out of the loop. there are a lot of people waiting around to get on a computer in here.. i'm just wondering if they're all bored like me and want to bull shit around or if they actually have some business to take care of.. i see like three people around me on myspace. the guy coming up on the opposite computer of me looks like he means business.. maybe i should get out the way huh? nah.. IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL--NO BODY'S GOT WORK TO DO ON THE COMPUTER-- they just wanna check their email and post on lj! bitches!
okay i'm out :P
Jan. 8th, 2007 @ 11:23 am
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| » happy new year..... and stuff. |
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I haven't posted in months and i just want to let everyone know.. i'm not dead..
i've really been wondering lately if lj is not but a great coping tool that we never realized we had.. we can say pretty much anything on here.. and most of the time we get replies, an underlying support system, to all our problems or issues. A regular hand written journal would help us to help ourselves but a livejournal.. throws our issues out in the open and leaves room for anyone willing to tell you what they think about your issues.."lj knows drama"-- am i the only one just now catching on to this?
I went through so many problems alone this semester.. so many i'm having a hard time remembering everything that's happened and since i barely talk to anyone lately besides my roommate and my boyfriend.. i have a very limited resource of opinions and advice... mostly b/c i already know what they're going to tell me. I've been in a really bad slum but i'm ready to start getting back up and i wonder if i keep tract of it all online will help me cope with things better... I'm a person who needs perspective from others b/c my own is to pessimistic. i'm killing myself here... help!--
Anyway.. so i think i'll be posting more lately :)
Jan. 6th, 2007 @ 11:49 am
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| » So What if I Slapped you in the face.. |
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You deserved it! you told me a week ago you would change. How could be so insensitive to me, make me cry and then do nothing to try and comfort me. What you said to me was wrong and it was the main reason we ended the last time. You told me last time.. you felt you needed to be slapped sometimes.. you wanted someone to put you in your place and i did it and your dumbass ego and pride couldn't fuckin' handle it. yes i do apologize, to your friends, for causing a scene in the middle of all the fun and goodness.. but on account of 4 or 5 glasses of whoop juice, a green apple smirnoff, and a shot of tequila and the worthless piece of crap you made me feel like.. in my mind what i did at the moment was right. you deserved it. As for doing it infront of your friends, you don't even deserve your friends. They love you and look up to you and you talk about them to their faces and behind their backs.. they can forgive you and blow you off because they know if they say anything.. you'll always be right. You're wrong. You're wrong for what you said to me and you're wrong for judging everyone every waking hour of the day. Build yourself up on how you're so much better than everyone else okay.. take advantage of everyone's weakness and sensitivity for your own sake.. so you can be the better one.. i slapped you way too late. you had to chance to come say you were sorry but instead you went on to have a goodtime because it was of no concern to you, you're ego was fed. You should've been slapped years ago and no one ever did it, but i did.. you deserved and i'm not sorry for it...
so what.
Sep. 25th, 2006 @ 02:07 am
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| » downfall |
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So last night jason hurt my feelings again.. he said i should be 40lbs lighter and i went to my room to cry then i said fuck it and walked back out in the living with all his friends present and slapped the shit out of him and told him "how dare he talk me that way and i'm sick of his shit."--- so it's over.
I start a new job tomorrow and hopefully life will be better with out some stupid ass dude telling me how to be and what to be.
Sep. 24th, 2006 @ 03:55 pm
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